OK... this blog has been so abandoned... so I finally tot of putting a link to my current blog... so here goes...

skubalon.blogs.friendster.com

see ya there!

hmmm... looks like my blogging frequency is getting longer and longer... and that is basically because things are moving faster and faster, with more and more things to be done... and hence... less and less time to blog :-)  i sit here typing not knowing what to blog because there are just so many things that have been going on... but maybe i'll just leave ONE thought which i personally feel is very important... and...

God knows the beginning from the end, and knows what you need even before you need it, and hence prepares the right people and resource and puts them right before you even before you realize what they are for!  That's how incredible God is!  I have come to realize that in recent days, and that increases my faith in God!  It is so assuring to know that God already knows, so we as humans beings must learn to rest in the Lord (part of my learning process) and not fret or be anxious, because God is already at work and has prepared it before we know it.

Isn't God awesome!!!

wo!!! a month has passed... and in the past month... i was fighting a bad infection of the sinus... hehe... you should have seen the stuff i was blowing out of my nose... wooah!  anywayz... took time to recover... and we also started on a 40-Day Prayer and Fast in conjuction with the Love Singapore 40-Day prayer and fasting season.  things have been happening... well... i don't think i can write it all... but i just sense that God is beginning a new work in church... and that things are gonna get better :-)

as i write this... i am feeling really tired... i guess there are just so many things in my mind... and i'd realize that my memory is getting worse as well... must be the number of stuff i am juggling in my head.  i am so glad that my studies are at its tail end already *phew* and then i graduate!  that would be a big relief off me, and i can concentrate more on the many thing in church.

regardless what is being done... i noticed that within me, i am pushing more the emphasis of prayer, seeking God, acknowledging God, giving Him the glory, etc.  what can we possible do without God that would be of any eternal significance?  i know that the church needs to rediscover her spiritual root... and that is in God, through times of prayer...

would you persevere in prayer?

this has been one of the longest flu thingy i've got... and it's been 13 days since i first felt like i was going to fall ill.  i went to see the doctor yesterday again... and he thinks that the problem is sinusitis, and that there is an infection and pus in my sinuses.  he gave me a stronger anti-biotics to take... and i think this dose seems to be working.  last night, i spent 2 hours just blowing mucus out and was just tilting my head in the different angles to let the mucus flow to the nose area, then i blow!  the stuff that came out was gross... and this morning continued the blowing thing till the back of my throat area seems sore from all the blowing out of mucus.  i think i got rid of the colored and infected stuff... and i just blew my nose and the stuff came out was clear.

i really need to get better and fast!  i got to preach this Saturday, and this thing is really getting to me.  i thank God for those who have been praying for me... and i know this has to also be spiritual warfare... think about it... it is not just myself praying and fasting... but now got the church to do so :-)  just got to keep the faith and press on through!!!

this must be the worst bout of runny nose, sore throat, flu thingy that i've had in a very very long time!  i felt unwell somewhere last Thursday... and each night... i did not sleep well... and it got increasingly worse... and Sunday night began the nightmare of bad sleep because i would have my nasal passages blocked and not able to breathe, and got up to clear my nose and hopefully try to fall asleep again.  each night was a major struggle... and it got quite frustrating.  even the medicine that the doctor gave did not seem to work, though i've used that time and again... and last night, i got up at about 4am, and went to take another dose of medicine and hope it would clear and went back to sleep.  today... i'm still having a slight fever and this whole thing is really infuriating!!!  from time to time i feel like as if i am drowning because i could not breathe.

It's been quite awhile since I blogged... and when I don't it usually means that something's going on... and it has.  the past 3 to 4 weeks have been real struggles with God, and God showing me who I really am... and in it all... to depend and trust in Him even more.  i have seen that so often, we do not depend on God, trust Him or have faith in Him because we think we can do it on our own... and that is pride at the root of it.  every human being has pride... and C.S. Lewis calls pride the worst of sins... and in that i have.  through the times of molding, God has revealed and shown me the areas of pride that needs to be worked on.  isn't it interesting to note that pride blinds, that the person who thinks he is ok or humble is actually having that perception from a root in pride?

if i just ask people, do you think you are alright... most would say, yeah!  pride blinds... none of us are alright... we are all spiritually bankrupt and need God desperately.  another interesting thing about pride... and it is that the more we try to cover up, the strong the pride in us grows!  every decision in life either feeds our pride or starves it.  the more we starve it, it will die... which means the reverse is true... the more we feed it... it will grow!  one of the problems is that we have not come to a full understanding of what Christ did for us on the cross... and we don't fully understand because of our pride saying that we are ok... we can be righteous... i am better than the other guy... what rubbish!  if only we had eyes to see who we really are... and i would ask that you pray and ask God to show you who you really are... not who you think you are.

anyway... in my times of struggle with God... about 3 weeks back... I sense a breakthrough for me... and that things are going to get better for what's ahead... better not in the sense easier... but more of God in the church.  God has begun to teach me what it means to be a senior pastor... and i recognize that being a senior pastor involved laying down one's pride and stying humble in God... being the priest before God... and trusting Him to lead and guide in all things.  for what i am going through, i have also come to a greater respect and understanding of the many senior pastors around me... what they had to go through and what they are going through.  may God's grace and mercy continually be upon the senior pastors of churches... they need a whole lot of it!

i just finshed reading The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson and it spoke to me about the dreams that God had given and where i am in it right now.  i think it is a timely book to read, as i feel that the dream too difficult.  in my course of study and bring trained as a coach, i am beginning to realize with greater clarity the dream that God had created me for, but at the same time (everything seems to happen at the same time sometimes), i have also come to realize that this dream that God gave me cannot be achieved apart from God.  it has been a great struggle for me this past month or so as God deals with me deep inside.  it is painful, but i am coming to a point of surrender.

as i was reading the book today, it just dawned upon my with clarity why God desired surrender from us... and because it is only in surrender that we can truly be free!  when we are free, we can truly have the faith in God and of God to move mountains!  this became a revelation for me... and now it is truth in me!  when something is more important that God, it is an idol... and that is why God wants us to surrender all that is important to us so that God can be number #1 in our lives.  when we surrender, we no longer need to strive at it or for it, we are now free!  idolatry today is also very deceptive... and in the bible, an image is a representative of idolatry, and that is why God does not want us to have any graven images, and for today... these images may not be just physical images (like a statue) but can be an image in the heart and mind...

these images can be an image of the ideal family we want to have, or the ideal mate, or even images that are not pleasing to God... and why doe sGod want us to deal with these images in our lives?  well... these images become something that we see (in our minds eyes) daily... something we think about or envision... and that is powerful because what we see constantly is something we want and work towards... and that becomes our idol.  such idolatry can also be our comfort zone and that is also why comfort zone idolatry is difficult to break because as human beings... we are constantly striving to be in comfort zone.

but God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, more than we can ask or think!  i want to go for the dream God placed in me... but more so... i want to be with my Dream Giver!

just came back from a retreat in KL with my wife... and i just slept more than usual.  i was very tired going up to KL, but feel much better now... more rested... more time to think, reflect and pray.  at the same time... i finished reading Growing Deep in God by Rev Edmund Chan, and it ministered to me deeply.  i recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand how we are... how to integrate theology and prayer... and basically... it is like doing an open heart surgery on a person.  there are many deep truths that have inspired and challenged... and also revealed what is truly in my heart.

there is so much that i need to change in my life... and this season seems to be a difficult one.  i need to strip away all that i have and look point blank at who i am.  i believe that God is allowing such a difficult time to expose the foundations that have been laid in my life... and some of these foundations need to be torn down and built anew with a biblical foundation.  at the heart of who i am will determine everything else in life.

one aspect that the book talked about that impacted me was that I needed to surrender to God... not just make another commitment to Him.  I quote from the book...

"To the uninitiated heart, surrender is the final plunge, the final step in a long and arduous pilgrimage of great struggles in fully giving up to God.  In reality, surrender is the first step towards growing deep in God.  Without surrender, nothing we do leads us to grow deep in God... The Church has substituted commitment for surrender... The committed life centers on our doing; the surrendered life centers on our being... A surrendered life is the consecrated key to intimacy with God." (pg. 209-210)

It's been awhile since I blogged... and since the last frustrated blog... things are still in flux... and many changes are happening that I don't really know how to blog :-)  hehe... looking at how things are going... this blog may be abandoned... but i'll try not to do that :-)  maybe it'll just take longer for me to write something.

well... things are moving... but at the same time, things are happening to many people... and things are becoming more and more difficult.  i feel the strain of things... but i need to cling on to God.  i am attending a signs and wonders class now... and in it... we talk about Satan and the enemy... and looking at how things are going... i guess it is of totally no surprise why things are getting more difficult... and it's because of the enemy coming against us.

the past few weeks have been eventful... and from my last entry... I was down with a flu... then a bad headache (which miraculously was healed)... then a pain in my left knee that got very bad and needed an injection from the doctor.  With that... I find others going thru other difficult situations... bad dreams... waking up crying... which I had once too, i.e. waking up crying but now cannot remember the bad dream... someone got food poisioning in a very bad way... feeling fatigue... and the list goes on and on.  well... we are in a spiritual warfare... and we are being attacked...

I am personally feeling the frustration... and two weeks back... it seemed that the situation was prepared so ripe... then when I called a brother... we ended up snapping at each other.  well... we made up and no hard feelings... but as you can see... things are getting difficult.

last night... i got frustrated after finding out some things that i began to cry... and i cried again this morning while talking to a brother.  how do you lead a people who either do not want to be led... or are "stuck" in their situation in life because of their choices... are caught up with things in life... are the NATO (no action, talk only) members, etc?  i have been talking to my coach and mentor about this, and they both somehow came to a similar conclusion about my situation... i.e. God is teaching me on how to bring spiritual renewal and revival to these people in spiritual poverty.  the truth is they are spiritually poor... no zeal... no passion... they may have a heart... but may feel trapped... so how to free them when they keep getting tangled up?  sounds like a tall order... but i guess that is what God goes through with us... that we keep getting tangled up into situations in life because of our choices... and he has to slowly get us out through us wanting to get out... and helping us learn some lessons along the way...

this is difficult... very difficult... God help me!